Monday, September 12, 2016

So what do you do all day?

I get asked that a lot. I always mutter something along the lines of "oh yknow.. laundry... and house stuff... MY GOD THE WEATHER IS GREAT TODAY." 

In reality, from the minute Eric leaves for work til around 8PM, all I do is work to keep Evie alive. And turns out, it is extremely hard to keep something that is constantly trying to kill itself alive.

But since that sounds pretty vague, here's a play-by-play of my Monday with Evie. 

Oh good morning Evie. What's that? You'd like to make us aware of your consciousness through the blasting baby monitor? You're going to have to wait for daddy to cave cause mommy is a sleeping cold hearted MONSTER.

It sounds like Evie has moved past calling out mama and onto repeatedly hitting her crib rails with that toy she found. EXCELLENT. That'll buy me another 30m of shut eye.

HA. Eric caved and is changing her diaper and feeding her. That's good, that's good. I'm going to call this "bonding time" and repeatedly remind him how great it is that he gets this "bonding time".

Oh shit, today is when I was going to bring her to her first day of storytime at the library. SHIT. WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE AND THEN SHE'LL BE BEHIND IN KINDERGARTEN, FAIL OUT OF HIGH JR HIGH AND BUM OFF OF ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. WE GTG.

But I'm hungry. What's that they say anyways? Happy wife = happy life? I'm sure that applies for children as well. Happy mother =  little brother? Heh heh heh. heh. heh. Goddammit, she ate all my food.

We made it. We had to forfeit changing out of PJs but thankfully your aunt Betty keeps you well supplied in trendy jackets and I dug a hair clip out of the dark recesses of your carseat. So at least from the waist up you look decent. Pbt, let's be real, no one has time to dress up their kids.

My god that little boy is well dressed. His plaid shirt is even rolled up at the sleeves. He's like a mini asian Jason Mraz. NO EVIE, DO NOT EAT THAT FLY.

It's time for nap #1. Excellent. Let's feed you lunch and then we can drive around listening to a combination of classical music and Cedarmont Kids until you fall asleep. Thank God for the 1287th time we got a hybrid.

UGH. Baa Baa Black Sheep AGAIN. Ooo, grandma said she can watch you so mommy can go to the gym today. I'm going go for TWO HOURS at LEAST so I can listen to all the sexually suggestive, foul languaged pop music I want.

Good afternoon Evie, we're at Whole Foods now. We are here to pick up a banana. That's right, a SINGLE banana. Because we are here pretty much everyday now because you like to look at fruits and wave at strangers. After this we'll go to grandma's and then mommy will go to the gym for AT LEAST TWO HOURS for a glorious break from you.


I wonder how Evie is doing. Is she crying? Did she have her poop yet? She looked a little sad when I left her. Maybe she is distraught now and grandma won't watch her again after this. We can't have that happen...

No but really. How is Evie doing? Why isn't grandma responding to my texts? OMG did the cat attack her?!? I saw him on the street when I rounded the corner driving to the gym. That's definitely in proximity of Evie. She could have been mauled! Maybe that's why grandma isn't responding!


Evie is having the time of her life with uncle david. Did she just call him mama?

Loading her in the car so we can get her home before there is a poop explos-- why is my hand wet?

There was so much poop we need to take a bath. No Evie, don't eat the soap. No, Evie. Don't put your head under the water. Why did you put your head under the water? Yeah, now you regret it huh? Okok, you're right, it was the water's fault. HOW DARE IT attack you.

Looks like you're ready for nap #2. Let's go drive around and listen to Cedarmont Kids again. Thank god for the 1288th time that we got a hybrid.

SHE MADE IT. Now I can clean up the disaster zone of a living room where she pulled everything out of the cabinets. And the kitchen. And her room... oh and I got to hose down her carseat cause it's got poop smeared all over it. Maybe I'll get enough time to make food for daddy who may or may not make it back in time for dinner?

txt to Eric: Hey, have you left yet? <insert cute picture of Evie from the day>
translation: WHY AREN'T YOU HOME YET. I've spent the past two hours reading Where's Spot to her (spoiler: he's in the goddamn basket). She's had dinner which prompted another poop, and she's pulled everything out of the living room, kitchen, and bedroom drawers again. She's currently banging away on the piano which I happily let her so she can explore her musical side but turns out her likes-to-turn-the-shiny-on/off-button side was all she was interested in exploring. Maybe this posed photo of Evie will entice you to come back sooner.

ERIC. SO GLAD YOU'RE HOME. Have some food and go have some bonding time with Evie before we have to give her her bath at 9. She really loves the bonding time with you. Yesyes, then we can hang out and you can tell me all about your day. <HEART FACE GOOGLY EYES>


Saturday, May 21, 2016

Mommy behavior explained Part 1

The baby non-sharer

I always thought that moms who didn't offer to let people hold their babies were just baby hogs/germaphobes/ or crazy baby ladies who couldn't get enough of their kids.

TURNS OUT THIS IS NOT TRUE (at least for me).

IN REALITY, I do not offer you my kid because I'm terrified that:
  • a. My kid will take one look at you and scream therefore turning you off from my kid forever and I will never be able to pawn my baby off on you ever again D:
  • b. My kid will spit up all over you and you will never see my kid as anything other than "the thing that expelled suspicious looking cloudy liquid all over my $600 dress" and I will never be able to pawn my baby off on you ever again D:
  • c. My kid will attempt to gouge your eyes out, rip out your hair, or shove her fist in your mouth and you'll feel so violated I will never be able to pawn my baby off on you again D:
In addition, about 90% of the time I just assume nobody could possibly want to hold this drooly wriggly thing and it's sadly my burden to bear for the rest of my life... or until she's 18.


I mean, who wouldn't want this dainty thing?

Friday, April 8, 2016

4 & 5 months of Evie!

This month you learned to:
4 months
  • Talk nonsense
  • Eat solids
  • Sleep an extra two hours so now you're at a whopping 12 hours per night. THANK YOU 
  • Start teething
  • Kiss daddy every night when he comes home. More like MAKE OUT with daddy until mommy decides it's enough
5 months
  • Sing... like a drunk warbling chipmunk
  • Zip around on your walker
  • Watch animals lounge around
  • Feed Koopa
  • Laugh at peekaboo
  • Had your first Easter!
Expectations vs reality
I like cooking. So even when before I was pregnant and walking through the aisles of baby food I thought "Pbt. I'll just make my own babyfood. How hard can it be?". From there I romantically thought about pureeing carrots while my pot of bolognese sauce bubbles on the side.

I ran out of foods to puree after a week. Turns out I never thought past carrots. Now I crawl through the baby aisle in my disheveled baby mommy state desperately seeking ideas of foods to puree by reading the baby foods. Then I'll grab a few "as backup". Also babies eat a lot.

Baby development
I like babies. I'm fairly good with babies. I've BABYSAT before in my life. I will sing, read, and talk to my baby until my child is so developmentally advanced it'll be reading encyclopedias before preschool.

I can only go through what the Brown Bear sees about 5 times before I want to die. Unfortunately Evie would like to hear what the Brown Bear sees about 50 times. Belly time is better for the baby developmentally? Well not hearing Evie plaintively cry like her life has ended because she'd rather faceplant than use her arm muscles is better for mommy's development. Therefore Evie gets walker time and she can push herself towards the comcast box to entertain herself well before her time.

Running errands... or life
Ohh mannn... 4 months of maternity leave (extended to 7 for cancer treatment)?! SO MUCH TIME! I can do anythingg. I can be the best goddamn cancer ridden trophy wife on the face of this planet. Evie and I will go have afternoon tea and shopping everyday.

Forget afternoon tea. Or morning coffee much to my despair. We're lucky if we can get ready by 2PM as Evie needs her two naps and two meals all before lunchtime. Unfortunately those naps last less than 30 minutes so by the time mommy has recovered from the first round it all begins again. Also I've developed the habit of peeing with the bathroom door open so Evie can walker her way to me at all times. Going to be reallll awkward when we have guests over and I forget one of these days.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

3 months of Evie!

My sweet little girl turned 3 months!

Things we've learned:
  • This month you learned that you had a right hand. You stare at it while you babble nonsense to it. Shortly after this, you realized you had ANOTHER HAND AND BOY WAS YOUR MIND BLOWN. I woke up at 6AM to you holding up both hands and exclaiming nonsense as you looked from one hand to the other. If it weren't 6AM and I was busy ignoring you so I could sleep, I would have taken a video.
  • You smile and talk so much now! Your worst fear is waking up to no one around. You will wake up freaking out as if you've been abandoned. Like I could abandon you Evie - I'd get arrested.
  • Tummy time is still going on in full effect and you still hate it. However after despairing for 5 minutes you've learned to give up and just lift your head up. Turns out you can lift it pretty high.
  • You somehow managed to escape tummy time twice this month by rolling over. Mommy is not sure if she should be leaving you on tall surfaces anymore..
  • Even though you are 3 months old you seem to think you're a tiny adult. The new thing this month is that you insist that we hold you at the dinner table so you can sit quietly and bob your head to our conversations. Any effort to put you back down results in immediate anger. Any effort to put you in the Bumbo also results in immediate anger. 
  • This month we went on many gai gais. We went to SF, and two kid's birthday parties where we found you some friends
  • We also found you a BEST FRIEND FOREVER. Emilia Kwong was born this month!
HAPPY THREE MONTHS! You've brought us more joy and love than we ever thought possible. We love you! 

Tummy time. After the despair

More tummy time!

Before going with Mommy and Daddy to SF

look how mature you're pretending to be just cause we let you sit with us

Bumbo time