I get asked that a lot. I always mutter something along the lines of "oh yknow.. laundry... and house stuff... MY GOD THE WEATHER IS GREAT TODAY."
In reality, from the minute Eric leaves for work til around 8PM, all I do is work to keep Evie alive. And turns out, it is extremely hard to keep something that is constantly trying to kill itself alive.
But since that sounds pretty vague, here's a play-by-play of my Monday with Evie.
--
8:00am
Oh good morning Evie. What's that? You'd like to make us aware of your consciousness through the blasting baby monitor? You're going to have to wait for daddy to cave cause mommy is a sleeping cold hearted MONSTER.
8:15am
It sounds like Evie has moved past calling out mama and onto repeatedly hitting her crib rails with that toy she found. EXCELLENT. That'll buy me another 30m of shut eye.
8:45am
HA. Eric caved and is changing her diaper and feeding her. That's good, that's good. I'm going to call this "bonding time" and repeatedly remind him how great it is that he gets this "bonding time".
9:20am
Oh shit, today is when I was going to bring her to her first day of storytime at the library. SHIT. WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE AND THEN SHE'LL BE BEHIND IN KINDERGARTEN, FAIL OUT OF HIGH JR HIGH AND BUM OFF OF ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. WE GTG.
9:30am
But I'm hungry. What's that they say anyways? Happy wife = happy life? I'm sure that applies for children as well. Happy mother = little brother? Heh heh heh. heh. heh. Goddammit, she ate all my food.
10:00am
We made it. We had to forfeit changing out of PJs but thankfully your aunt Betty keeps you well supplied in trendy jackets and I dug a hair clip out of the dark recesses of your carseat. So at least from the waist up you look decent. Pbt, let's be real, no one has time to dress up their kids.
10:10am
My god that little boy is well dressed. His plaid shirt is even rolled up at the sleeves. He's like a mini asian Jason Mraz. NO EVIE, DO NOT EAT THAT FLY.
11:00am
It's time for nap #1. Excellent. Let's feed you lunch and then we can drive around listening to a combination of classical music and Cedarmont Kids until you fall asleep. Thank God for the 1287th time we got a hybrid.
12:30pm
UGH. Baa Baa Black Sheep AGAIN. Ooo, grandma said she can watch you so mommy can go to the gym today. I'm going go for TWO HOURS at LEAST so I can listen to all the sexually suggestive, foul languaged pop music I want.
1:00pm
Good afternoon Evie, we're at Whole Foods now. We are here to pick up a banana. That's right, a SINGLE banana. Because we are here pretty much everyday now because you like to look at fruits and wave at strangers. After this we'll go to grandma's and then mommy will go to the gym for AT LEAST TWO HOURS for a glorious break from you.
2:00pm
GYM. THE NEXT TWO HOURS WILL BE AMAZING. I DON'T EVEN LIKE WORKING OUT.
2:30pm
I wonder how Evie is doing. Is she crying? Did she have her poop yet? She looked a little sad when I left her. Maybe she is distraught now and grandma won't watch her again after this. We can't have that happen...
2:35pm
No but really. How is Evie doing? Why isn't grandma responding to my texts? OMG did the cat attack her?!? I saw him on the street when I rounded the corner driving to the gym. That's definitely in proximity of Evie. She could have been mauled! Maybe that's why grandma isn't responding!
2:40pm
THAT'S IT. I'M LEAVING THE GYM
3:00pm
Evie is having the time of her life with uncle david. Did she just call him mama?
3:30pm
Loading her in the car so we can get her home before there is a poop explos-- why is my hand wet?
4:15pm
There was so much poop we need to take a bath. No Evie, don't eat the soap. No, Evie. Don't put your head under the water. Why did you put your head under the water? Yeah, now you regret it huh? Okok, you're right, it was the water's fault. HOW DARE IT attack you.
5:00pm
Looks like you're ready for nap #2. Let's go drive around and listen to Cedarmont Kids again. Thank god for the 1288th time that we got a hybrid.
5:15pm
SHE MADE IT. Now I can clean up the disaster zone of a living room where she pulled everything out of the cabinets. And the kitchen. And her room... oh and I got to hose down her carseat cause it's got poop smeared all over it. Maybe I'll get enough time to make food for daddy who may or may not make it back in time for dinner?
8:00pm
txt to Eric: Hey, have you left yet? <insert cute picture of Evie from the day>
translation: WHY AREN'T YOU HOME YET. I've spent the past two hours reading Where's Spot to her (spoiler: he's in the goddamn basket). She's had dinner which prompted another poop, and she's pulled everything out of the living room, kitchen, and bedroom drawers again. She's currently banging away on the piano which I happily let her so she can explore her musical side but turns out her likes-to-turn-the-shiny-on/off-button side was all she was interested in exploring. Maybe this posed photo of Evie will entice you to come back sooner.
8:30pm
ERIC. SO GLAD YOU'RE HOME. Have some food and go have some bonding time with Evie before we have to give her her bath at 9. She really loves the bonding time with you. Yesyes, then we can hang out and you can tell me all about your day. <HEART FACE GOOGLY EYES>
9:15pm
DON'T TALK TO ME I'M GOING TO PLAY LEAGUE OF LEGENDS UNTIL BEDTIME.
Oh good morning Evie. What's that? You'd like to make us aware of your consciousness through the blasting baby monitor? You're going to have to wait for daddy to cave cause mommy is a sleeping cold hearted MONSTER.
8:15am
It sounds like Evie has moved past calling out mama and onto repeatedly hitting her crib rails with that toy she found. EXCELLENT. That'll buy me another 30m of shut eye.
8:45am
HA. Eric caved and is changing her diaper and feeding her. That's good, that's good. I'm going to call this "bonding time" and repeatedly remind him how great it is that he gets this "bonding time".
9:20am
Oh shit, today is when I was going to bring her to her first day of storytime at the library. SHIT. WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE AND THEN SHE'LL BE BEHIND IN KINDERGARTEN, FAIL OUT OF HIGH JR HIGH AND BUM OFF OF ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. WE GTG.
9:30am
But I'm hungry. What's that they say anyways? Happy wife = happy life? I'm sure that applies for children as well. Happy mother = little brother? Heh heh heh. heh. heh. Goddammit, she ate all my food.
10:00am
We made it. We had to forfeit changing out of PJs but thankfully your aunt Betty keeps you well supplied in trendy jackets and I dug a hair clip out of the dark recesses of your carseat. So at least from the waist up you look decent. Pbt, let's be real, no one has time to dress up their kids.
10:10am
My god that little boy is well dressed. His plaid shirt is even rolled up at the sleeves. He's like a mini asian Jason Mraz. NO EVIE, DO NOT EAT THAT FLY.
11:00am
It's time for nap #1. Excellent. Let's feed you lunch and then we can drive around listening to a combination of classical music and Cedarmont Kids until you fall asleep. Thank God for the 1287th time we got a hybrid.
12:30pm
UGH. Baa Baa Black Sheep AGAIN. Ooo, grandma said she can watch you so mommy can go to the gym today. I'm going go for TWO HOURS at LEAST so I can listen to all the sexually suggestive, foul languaged pop music I want.
1:00pm
Good afternoon Evie, we're at Whole Foods now. We are here to pick up a banana. That's right, a SINGLE banana. Because we are here pretty much everyday now because you like to look at fruits and wave at strangers. After this we'll go to grandma's and then mommy will go to the gym for AT LEAST TWO HOURS for a glorious break from you.
2:00pm
GYM. THE NEXT TWO HOURS WILL BE AMAZING. I DON'T EVEN LIKE WORKING OUT.
2:30pm
I wonder how Evie is doing. Is she crying? Did she have her poop yet? She looked a little sad when I left her. Maybe she is distraught now and grandma won't watch her again after this. We can't have that happen...
2:35pm
No but really. How is Evie doing? Why isn't grandma responding to my texts? OMG did the cat attack her?!? I saw him on the street when I rounded the corner driving to the gym. That's definitely in proximity of Evie. She could have been mauled! Maybe that's why grandma isn't responding!
2:40pm
THAT'S IT. I'M LEAVING THE GYM
3:00pm
Evie is having the time of her life with uncle david. Did she just call him mama?
3:30pm
Loading her in the car so we can get her home before there is a poop explos-- why is my hand wet?
4:15pm
There was so much poop we need to take a bath. No Evie, don't eat the soap. No, Evie. Don't put your head under the water. Why did you put your head under the water? Yeah, now you regret it huh? Okok, you're right, it was the water's fault. HOW DARE IT attack you.
5:00pm
Looks like you're ready for nap #2. Let's go drive around and listen to Cedarmont Kids again. Thank god for the 1288th time that we got a hybrid.
5:15pm
SHE MADE IT. Now I can clean up the disaster zone of a living room where she pulled everything out of the cabinets. And the kitchen. And her room... oh and I got to hose down her carseat cause it's got poop smeared all over it. Maybe I'll get enough time to make food for daddy who may or may not make it back in time for dinner?
8:00pm
txt to Eric: Hey, have you left yet? <insert cute picture of Evie from the day>
translation: WHY AREN'T YOU HOME YET. I've spent the past two hours reading Where's Spot to her (spoiler: he's in the goddamn basket). She's had dinner which prompted another poop, and she's pulled everything out of the living room, kitchen, and bedroom drawers again. She's currently banging away on the piano which I happily let her so she can explore her musical side but turns out her likes-to-turn-the-shiny-on/off-button side was all she was interested in exploring. Maybe this posed photo of Evie will entice you to come back sooner.
8:30pm
ERIC. SO GLAD YOU'RE HOME. Have some food and go have some bonding time with Evie before we have to give her her bath at 9. She really loves the bonding time with you. Yesyes, then we can hang out and you can tell me all about your day. <HEART FACE GOOGLY EYES>
9:15pm
DON'T TALK TO ME I'M GOING TO PLAY LEAGUE OF LEGENDS UNTIL BEDTIME.
